When you are ready for love and you have not found it, it can be rough. The last blog was for those of you who are committed (or should be), smile. This blog is for those of you who are looking to get committed. These ideas can also be applied to meeting new people in general. Often I hear “I am not attracted to most of the people that I meet” or “there aren’t any good men/women left out there”. That’s bubkas. First of all you only need one.Second, I would wonder about you if you were attracted to everyone you met. There are people out there for you. Finding them entails a strange combination of being open, taking risks and learning about what you want and how to make yourself as happy as possible on your own.
I know and remember how hard it is when you are really ready to share your life with a partner and you have not found that person yet. You ache for it. This can feel very lonely. These days people are looking for their life mates at an older age because of career and school. As we get older we have more of an idea of what we are looking for. This is helpful in finding the person for you but you also need to make sure that you are not closing yourself off to possibilities because of these ideas.
Finding the right Places:
3 kinds of loneliness: Of course there are many more types than this but for the purpose of this article we will focus on 3. There is the loneliness of the human condition. Meaning most of us humans feel lonely from time to time. We have to learn how to sit with the loneliness allowing it to pass when it is ready. There is the lonely of not having a partner, which is very true and very real. And then there can be the loneliness of our past. How we might have felt as a child if we were left alone often, left period, neglected, abused, overlooked. This lonely is really powerful and loves to mix with the other two types furthering muddying the waters of loneliness.
Old: The old loneliness is so hard to deal with that it can make us feel desperate. Out of the desperation we often start dating the next person to come along regardless of how good they are for us. There are other types of love and when we feel like this it is a great time to search them out. Get a dog or cat. Unconditional love is so healing. Go volunteer. Get out of your head and heart for a little while. Don’t date when you feel desperate. Wait until you heal up a bit.
Storyline: What is your story of love. Is it that you are doomed and you will never find someone? That everyone you find will leave you? That everyone you find must be your love? Check these story-lines. Are you acting from these beliefs. When you are dating someone and you view all of their actions through this story it can be very detrimental.For example, I’m going on a business trip can become he is leaving me for good. Finally. I always knew he would. Instead acknowledge what your storyline is. Assess how your story has and does affect your dating life.
Package: It’s great to know what you want but not when it closes you off to possibilities. Look around you. People’s matches come in the most astonishing combinations. Someone who thought she would marry a man may find her life partner in a woman. Someone who thought they had to marry a doctor may find themselves with a jewelry maker who balances them completely. Open yourself beyond your laundry list and you might be surprised at what you find.
Open the door: When you are frustrated with finding love ask yourself are there any doors that you have kept closed? “ I would never date someone without a college degree because I am a lawyer.” “I would never try internet dating because it is weird”. It is weird. You are right. But really tell me one aspect of dating that isn’t weird. The point is. Open yourself. Get out of your box. Take a risk. Talk to people you wouldn’t normally talk to. Go places you wouldn’t normally go.
Feed Yourself: Take a class you have always wanted to take. Bored with your job start looking for something that is going to fulfill you. As we learn about ourselves and grow and change we create opportunities for meeting new people. You never know who those people are and who those people know. And at the very least you are having fun and pursuing your own dreams.
Language of love: Check your body language. Do you walk with your shoulders back, head held high? Do you say hello to people on the street? Return greetings? Smile? We send out messages with our bodies and thoughts. ‘I am available for friendship or more” or “I am closed and not interested.” What message are you sending when you are out and about?
Everybody Else: This is your story. Do not worry so much about everyone elses. It is difficult when everyone else is paired up and you are not. But your path is different. We all do things when we are ready. Comparison only makes us feel as if we are doing something wrong and places a ton of pressure on us.
In closing be gentle. Remember this is a new and different way for you to think about love. We never know how long this pursuit will take might as well have a really good time along the way. This time alone is most likely temporary. Treasure the time you have alone rather than dreading it. Its darn nice to not have to compromise all the time. Value this now because that will change when you and your match find each other. And remember you only need one. And right now you are the one. Make each day as fulfilling for you as possible. Opening yourself to each new experience even if its walking out the door with your new attitude and body language and greeting the day differently.